Where am I? Exactly where I should Be. (I hope). (Fingers crossed).

The day after what is supposedly the international Day of Love, and I am feeling like I could use a bit more of love.

Spurred by the usual questions from the extended family — questions I’d rather not repeat as it is borderline obscene now simply because of its excessive use — I had the usual equally-boring discussions with my friends and cousin about it.

That, then, lead to the bigger question that I continuously grapple with each day I have been back here in the motherland. Or, to be more accurate, what people around tell me my motherland should be… simply because it is so by blood, by a little green book with the picture of an imaginary bird on the cover, and perhaps, by lack of other choice because getting another green/blue/red book is not that easy. And you need that book for everyone to identify you, and put you in a little category box in their heads. God forbid that you don’t have one.. it is pretty much like you don’t exist.

What, exactly, am I doing here? No, not in the big sense of life and Sophie’s-World-esque.. I’m being much more selfish and narrow-minded here. It’s more of the here, here.. In this city, in this job, doing the usual rat race and weekly mall runs. I don’t want another break-up, as I feel she is slowly coming back, but I do feel like I’m facing a constant uphill battle to keep her coming closer.. God alone knows what I would have to do to keep her once (if?) she gets here. I already feel like I’m slowly entering into a comfort zone, which is a definite no-go. I never remembered it being this hard to stay together, well-put, balanced.. and dare-I-say, happy content…  prior to coming back to motherland.

Is it just me that has changed, or is it motherland? If I had stayed in non-motherland, would I still be feeling lost like this? Does feeling home a matter of mind-over-matter, where if I keep repeating it often enough, loud enough.. it will come true?

I’m a great believer in mind-over-matter. It’s the engineer in me, who is always trying to solve problems.. and puts logic and reason on a pedestal over matters of the heart. And this is my engineer attempt to not feeling lost:

The place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you.

God circled, I arrowed. (Source: Lonely Planet)

Because if God can’t help me, who can? And if you say so, God, then I will make the most of it. Or, at least try to. I trust you have a plan, God, because for once, I don’t. And it scares the Hell out of me. My GPS and GoogleMap are pretty useless at this point — no disrespect to them — but I hope You have a better map. And I hope I can hear you when you tell me to turn right, turn left, or do a U-turn. Because right now, I’m just coasting…

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