How I Met My Fears

Scared child

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Writing these thoughts down, on an electronic piece of paper, knowing it will be released world-wide (web) with the click of a button.. scares the hell out of me. And I don’t deal well with fear. I will tell you my likes and dislikes, my hobbies, my families and friends, my strengths and weaknesses, what I had to eat and drink today, and everything else under the sun (simply put, things you probably couldn’t care less about).. and yet I will never admit to you, my dear readers and listeners, what my fears are, my vulnerabilities (though these arguably are also things you probably couldn’t care less about).

I know – as I’m sure you all do as well — that we all have to face our fears on way or another. My mantra of “mind over matter” combined with my happy-go-lucky/what-will-be-will-be philosophy means that I do not face my fears in the real life. I suppress them, as a defense mechanism and survival skill. Is it any wonder then that they come out at night? My guards are down, and my mind is free to roam its darkest corners.

I dream.

They’re not so much nightmares as they are “fear” dreams; the sensation is more of unease and discomfort, rather than goosebumps. No eeriness, but just lost and unsure.

I will admit this: the most recurring “fear dream” involves me roaming around a huge, vast city with major avenues and labyrinth-like alleyways. It’s usually black and white, and the city is dotted with landmarks from various places: Central Park with Monas at the center, then turn a corner only to see London Eye by the Gold Coast. And yet, for all its glitz and glamour, I run through the place without finding anyone. I run, walk, stumble and fumble, praying and hoping I’ll bump into someone. Anyone.

There were no deaths in the dream, no zombies or monsters or ghosts. I know this, and yet I have never felt so afraid in my life. My simple self-diagnosis will say this is my fear of loneliness acting out. I am an extrovert, which means I get my energy from other people and so without them I am nothing.

On the flip-side, I am an extrovert precisely because I fear loneliness… not the other way around. Some people may think it’s very easy for me to strike up a conversation with a random stranger, to walk into a group of people and introduce myself, and even to call someone I have never met because I am new to the place and a friend of a friend gave her number to me as my “starting point” to the city. Let me confess this: I am terrified every single time I do this. And yet, the alternative — the big vast empty city that I know so well from my dreams — scares me even more. And so I take a deep breath, and begin with “Hi!”

So while having and waking up from these fear dreams are no fun, they do introduce me to those fears I try to hide from at daylight. Better to meet – and conquer – them in your dreams rather than in real life, methinks. And as they say, sometimes imagined fears are worse than the real deal.

What are your fears? How do you meet – and handle – them?


6 responses to this post.

  1. I have a similar fear, which gets me off my ass and forces me to put in some effort in meeting new people. A net positive, I suppose.


  2. My utmost fear is not being able to think. Thinking is my only means to understanding things and deciding how to respond. Without that ability, I feel unbearably powerless. I’m sure as I mature I’ll learn to let go. That sometimes being powerless does not contradict being powerful.

    One step at a time. 🙂

    I like your writing.


    • Hi Inaya, thanks for stopping by and for the compliment 🙂 will stop by your blog soon!

      You’re right, that is a scary – pardon the pun – thought. I know I get really frustrated when I don’t understand something, but that may be just a manifestation of my inner geek. And yes, powerless is not necessarily the opposite of powerful. In fact, sometimes it takes more courage and strength to recognize and accept being powerless than being powerful.


  3. hi, this is William from couchsurfing writers club, you mind if i reblog your writing in the fyi, i will edit a bit if there is any typo (usually mistype or marks) if that’s okay. thank you.


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