Posts Tagged ‘adulthood’

Breaking Up with Myself

Scene: A business trip to Bangkok by day, and a tourist/traveller by night.

But the point of the story is not the business trip (who wants to read about boring business stuff anyways), nor is it Bangkok (though it is a great city).

The point is this: it was a wake-up call. A depressing one, but a necessary one.

You see, I met a group of travellers/backpackers during my night out in Bangkok.. and with one of them, I further explored Bangkok’s street life. For those two nights out in Bangkok, I was happy, relaxed, open and free. The night was forever young and anything could happen. There was nothing in my mind apart from the here and now, that very second at that very place.

It wasn’t until this morning, as I was checking out from the hotel, that I started to feel utterly depressed. I absolutely did not want to leave Bangkok, and I was dreading coming back to Jakarta. The thought to just stay in Bangkok, and basically abandoning everything here in Indonesia, flitted across my mind.. but the pragmatic and realist side of me quickly took over, and I got into the cab. “Airport, please.” Let it be said that I have never felt so down in a long time.. and the sheer suddenness of that sadness is probably what shocked me the most. Usually, you know when you will be sad… or more importantly, you know why you’re sad. Maybe a friend is leaving, or maybe you are leaving, or maybe it’s a long-overdue break-up… whatever.

But what I felt then, that was just unexplainable. Bangkok is not that much different from Jakarta, and it is so close and accessible that I can easily come back anytime. I have my family, friends, a home and a good job waiting in Jakarta, while in Bangkok I have, well, nothing. Plus, I was only there for two days on business, so the going out and shopping was just a bonus. So then why the inexplicable dread of leaving??

…and then it hit me. It wasn’t that I did not want to leave; it was more that I did not want to return. To Jakarta. To Indonesia. To “home.” Continue reading