Posts Tagged ‘midlife crisis’

Where am I? Exactly where I should Be. (I hope). (Fingers crossed).

The day after what is supposedly the international Day of Love, and I am feeling like I could use a bit more of love.

Spurred by the usual questions from the extended family — questions I’d rather not repeat as it is borderline obscene now simply because of its excessive use — I had the usual equally-boring discussions with my friends and cousin about it.

That, then, lead to the bigger question that I continuously grapple with each day I have been back here in the motherland. Or, to be more accurate, what people around tell me my motherland should be… simply because it is so by blood, by a little green book with the picture of an imaginary bird on the cover, and perhaps, by lack of other choice because getting another green/blue/red book is not that easy. And you need that book for everyone to identify you, and put you in a little category box in their heads. God forbid that you don’t have one.. it is pretty much like you don’t exist.

What, exactly, am I doing here? No, not in the big sense of life and Sophie’s-World-esque.. I’m being much more selfish and narrow-minded here. It’s more of the here, here.. In this city, in this job, doing the usual rat race and weekly mall runs. I don’t want another break-up, as I feel she is slowly coming back, but I do feel like I’m facing a constant uphill battle to keep her coming closer.. God alone knows what I would have to do to keep her once (if?) she gets here. I already feel like I’m slowly entering into a comfort zone, which is a definite no-go. I never remembered it being this hard to stay together, well-put, balanced.. and dare-I-say, happy content…  prior to coming back to motherland.

Is it just me that has changed, or is it motherland? If I had stayed in non-motherland, would I still be feeling lost like this? Does feeling home a matter of mind-over-matter, where if I keep repeating it often enough, loud enough.. it will come true?

I’m a great believer in mind-over-matter. It’s the engineer in me, who is always trying to solve problems.. and puts logic and reason on a pedestal over matters of the heart. And this is my engineer attempt to not feeling lost:

The place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you.

God circled, I arrowed. (Source: Lonely Planet)

Because if God can’t help me, who can? And if you say so, God, then I will make the most of it. Or, at least try to. I trust you have a plan, God, because for once, I don’t. And it scares the Hell out of me. My GPS and GoogleMap are pretty useless at this point — no disrespect to them — but I hope You have a better map. And I hope I can hear you when you tell me to turn right, turn left, or do a U-turn. Because right now, I’m just coasting…

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Am I Past My Use-By Date?

In all honesty, I have never felt old. Yes, yes, I know I’m not really that old.. but still, it was fun to half-jokingly complain about “kids these days”, with their BlackBerries, Tweeter, Twilight and Justin Bieber, and about the fact I no longer get ID’ed when I walk into a club.. you know, during those (very rare) nights when I can muster the energy to dress up, drink up, dance away, and then wake up as usual for school/uni/work. And now, look at me, I’m freaking blogging (blogging! — yes, it must be repeated, if only to convince myself..) on my 9-year-old laptop (which has been my constant companion through 3 universities, 3 continents and 3 countries) on a Saturday night! O. M. G. (#1)

…that said, something did happen that made me really question my “use-by” date: the amazing Indonesia Mengajar program. See, this foundation will send 51 young teachers selected from thousands of applicants, i.e. the creme de la creme of young Indonesian graduates, to the distant and far-flung corners of Indonesia for one year to teach elementary school! By distant, I mean no telephones, no internet, regular blackouts and hours of car/boat rides to the nearest town. The aim is twofold: 1) to partially solve the undersupply of qualified teachers in these remote areas, and 2) to introduce these young fresh-graduates, as the future leaders of Indonesia, to the real grass-root condition of the nation. O.M.G. (#2)

see me google the application procedure, imagining the countless possibilities, and mind thinking ahead how to best frame my application letter, CV, etc etc etc. see me scroll down the page, skimming through the minimum requirements… a slight lag between eyes+brain processing information and right hand quickly moving the mouse down… waaaiiiiit, scroll back up!! “Maximum age of 25 years old”. O.M.G. (#3)

…..

@#!^%&#$%!

…..

really? Really? REALLY? Ladies and gentleman, it’s official: I am OLD! Way past my use-by date. Opportunities are getting fewer and farther in between, and so it’s getting harder and harder to change the course of my life. Just like physically my body is losing its flexibility and the (little bit of) muscle tone it has, only to give way to aches and wobbly arms… so is my life losing its wonder and excitement, to be replaced with the mundane.

midlife crisis: ON.

yes, yes, I’m well aware that there’s a whole moral lesson to this story along the lines of “carpe diem”, “seize the day”, “better late than never”, bla bla bla.. but please, let the old ones rant. while we still have the energy to do so.

so here’s me, an old lady, signing out. it is, after all, way past my bedtime. meh.

ps: this post is in no way meant to dismiss the IM program, of which I highly admire and wish nothing but the best for its first batch of Young Teachers. nor is it meant to dismiss the really old people, who I highly admire too and find no less interesting than the young ‘uns.