To Un-Publish or Not?

So. A certain someone has found his way into this far-flung so-deeply-buried-that-it-would-have-turned-into-diamonds/oil-if-it-were-made-from-dinosaur-bones blog. And decided to read some, if not most/all, of the posts. To my utter utter embarassment. Scale 5 on the picture above.

To say I have been shirking my blobligation is an understatement – it’s been over two years since my last post and it has become one of the many many things I have tried and abandoned in my thirty-something years of life (yes, since my last post I have moved on from a twenty-something girl to a thirty-something girl. Still a girl though, hahaha).

So when this certain person raised the subject of my blog, I can’t help but walk down memory lane and try to recall what is it that I have written here… only to find that memory lane filled with embarrassing stories and revelations! I’m not quite sure what possessed me to write the stuff I wrote – maybe the thought that it is easier to share and be open with complete strangers? And never thinking it would be read by people I actually know and will meet…  well, apart from my mom and two friends, who would know all (and more!) anyways.

In hindsight, would I have chosen to un-publish some of them? Maybe. I’m actually still trying to re-read all of them – I find myself cringing from embarrassment too soon so I have to take my posts in bite-sizes! (And so I wonder, how do you my two loyal readers, cope with all this? And why you no tell me???)

While I have had my share of things said and regretted, somehow things written and regretted is even harder to claw back and retract. To top it all off, things written online and then regretted… well, then, I guess only God can help you. So, God, help me out here before I make anymore cringe-worthy moment? Unless, of course, You need a good laugh and chose me as the “lucky” one. Then I’m all yours. And I expect a worthy reward in heaven for all this 🙂

What Can’t Be Said

( Krikit ) - Dragonfly in a tree (by)

( Krikit ) – Dragonfly in a tree (by) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The words were there

Tippy-toeing across tongue and teeth

The fingers were there

Tippy-toeing across the green call button

The mind, the heart and the tears

were all there

How long can they stay together, crowdingpushingjostling

before one tumbles and falls. out in the open white space.

before the others follow suit,

before someone gets hurt.

Love Greed: My Multiple Valentines

A stencil painted on Valentines day depicting ...

Image via Wikipedia

Way back when the great girls of Sex and the City fame decided you only get two great loves in life.

Screw that. I am having as many great loves as I possibly can: age, nationality and gender does not matter. And yes, they can all overlap too. Like one of the characters in The Tree of Life said – “The only way to be happy is to love. Unless you love, your life will flash by.” (and as I’m slowly getting closer to the big three-oh, there’s been enough life-flashing-by moments for me to know that I don’t like ’em. No flashing-by please, just take your time).

♥ God – You’ve been great, truly. No major complaints from my side, and I hope You feel the same too 🙂

Dad, Mom and Sis – For giving me the freedom and the support to be who I want to be. And for replacing that all that with a WTF and a slap in the face when I get a tad carried away. Coz we all know that happens a lot sometimes.

My 48 first cousins – It’s like having 48 brothers and sisters. No peace or quiet is possible, but who wants that when you have laughter and love instead!

Friends – For truly being the home-away-from-home and the family that I get to make myself. (see note on Dad, Mom and Sis). Australia, Indonesia, Philippines, UK, USA, Singapore (and all the other places in between) would not have been as awesome without you all.

The Mister – For making me wait so long. Anticipation is half the fun! (though at this point, I’d like to get to the other half soon. Please.)

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Weekly Photo Challenge: Up

This was taken from the walkway on the skytrain in Bangkok. I guess this is the advertising world equivalent of “location, location, location.”

I wish my car would this. A sure, nice way to beat the traffic 🙂

ps: note the infamous Bangkok traffic on the bottom right-hand corner.

Onwards and Upwards!

How I Met My Fears

Scared child

Image via Wikipedia

Writing these thoughts down, on an electronic piece of paper, knowing it will be released world-wide (web) with the click of a button.. scares the hell out of me. And I don’t deal well with fear. I will tell you my likes and dislikes, my hobbies, my families and friends, my strengths and weaknesses, what I had to eat and drink today, and everything else under the sun (simply put, things you probably couldn’t care less about).. and yet I will never admit to you, my dear readers and listeners, what my fears are, my vulnerabilities (though these arguably are also things you probably couldn’t care less about).

I know – as I’m sure you all do as well — that we all have to face our fears on way or another. My mantra of “mind over matter” combined with my happy-go-lucky/what-will-be-will-be philosophy means that I do not face my fears in the real life. I suppress them, as a defense mechanism and survival skill. Is it any wonder then that they come out at night? My guards are down, and my mind is free to roam its darkest corners.

I dream.

They’re not so much nightmares as they are “fear” dreams; the sensation is more of unease and discomfort, rather than goosebumps. No eeriness, but just lost and unsure.

I will admit this: the most recurring “fear dream” involves me roaming around a huge, vast city with major avenues and labyrinth-like alleyways. It’s usually black and white, and the city is dotted with landmarks from various places: Central Park with Monas at the center, then turn a corner only to see London Eye by the Gold Coast. And yet, for all its glitz and glamour, I run through the place without finding anyone. I run, walk, stumble and fumble, praying and hoping I’ll bump into someone. Anyone.

There were no deaths in the dream, no zombies or monsters or ghosts. I know this, and yet I have never felt so afraid in my life. My simple self-diagnosis will say this is my fear of loneliness acting out. I am an extrovert, which means I get my energy from other people and so without them I am nothing.

On the flip-side, I am an extrovert precisely because I fear loneliness… not the other way around. Some people may think it’s very easy for me to strike up a conversation with a random stranger, to walk into a group of people and introduce myself, and even to call someone I have never met because I am new to the place and a friend of a friend gave her number to me as my “starting point” to the city. Let me confess this: I am terrified every single time I do this. And yet, the alternative — the big vast empty city that I know so well from my dreams — scares me even more. And so I take a deep breath, and begin with “Hi!”

So while having and waking up from these fear dreams are no fun, they do introduce me to those fears I try to hide from at daylight. Better to meet – and conquer – them in your dreams rather than in real life, methinks. And as they say, sometimes imagined fears are worse than the real deal.

What are your fears? How do you meet – and handle – them?

Weekly Photo Challenge: Flowers

I took this picture during a random walk in Koto Gadang, West Sumatra, a place known for its silverworks and Dutch-inspired houses. While Koto Gadang means “big city”, it was actually more of a quiet and small village. But coming from hectic Jakarta, I enjoyed the quiet moment to just amble around and take in the beautiful scenery. I was pleasantly surprised with this photo, and something about the colours and the texture of the wooden house/flowers, just takes me back to that quaint village.

Koto Gadang, West Sumatra

Weekly Photo Challenge: Entrance

This is the imposing entrance to the equally majestic Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus (formerly Victoria Terminus), the train station in Mumbai, India. This is where the 2008 terrorist attacks took place, and it is also the shooting location for the movie Slumdog Millionaire. I did my own version of Jai Ho there too 🙂

Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus, Mumbai, India